Red Lobster

Johnny stepped outside Spherix to deal with Fack but saw a giant creature - a lobster with human arms and legs and devil horns on its head – tackle Fack from behind and thrust one of its sharp claws through Fack’s chest. It used its other claw to pinch Fack’s neck and snap his head off. The head fell to the ground with a great crash and the lobster kicked it and watched it topple and roll away into the distance. Then the lobster turned to Fack’s body and feasted on it, snapping the limbs with its mouth like twigs and pouring the blood from the neck as if it was drinking from a cup. Johnny watched in horror.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled to himself. “That’s fucked up.”

Janet walked up behind him and threw her arms around his body, her hands sliding over his chest and her cheek pressed tightly between his shoulder blades. “My hero,” she said.

“Knock it off,” Johnny said, shrugging her away. “Get back inside where it’s safe. This isn’t over yet.”

Janet walked inside and slammed the glass door behind her. Johnny looked up at the giant lobster and said, “Halt! Who you be?”

The lobster stopped eating and said, “’Who you be?’ What the hell does that mean?”

Johnny frowned. “You know what I mean!” He hoisted a fist in the air. “What’s your name?”

“Seriously? What does it matter?” the lobster asked and went back to finishing up the little of Fack’s body that remained.

“Well,” Johnny said and paused, “I’ll need to know whose family should be notified after I kill you.”

“Wow, that’s pathetic,” the lobster said. “You could really use some lessons in trash-talking. You’re not very good at it, son.”

“Oh, yeah?” Johnny said, shaking his fist.

“Jeez.” The lobster shook his head. “What am I supposed to say now, kid? Am I supposed to say ‘yeah’? Is that what you want me to do?” He threw his arms in the air and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, exactly,” Johnny said. “You say ‘yeah’ and then I scream ‘yeah’ in response as I fly up at you and start kickin’ your fuckin’ ass!”

The lobster finished licking Fack’s bones clean and got up. “Look, kid, I’m not going to play this little game of yours. I just ate a big meal, so I’m really not in the mood right now.” He burped and patted his chest with his fist. “Excuse me,” he said and continued. “Besides, you got it all wrong. You’d have no reason to scream ‘yeah’ after I said ‘yeah’. In fact, after you say ‘Oh, yeah?’, I should be the one screaming ‘yeah’ and then kicking your fucking ass.”

Johnny shook both fists in the air. “Oh, yeah?” he screamed.

“Yeah!” the giant lobster roared and kicked Johnny’s fucking ass.

He kicked it across the lawn until the break of dawn.


Next ish: Johnny seeks revenge in…“Sneak Attack Aftermath” or “Dumbass Motherfucking Lobster!”

TAOJP: Volume 3

Johnny Phenomenal in...

Flashback or Die Dreaming!

Fack the Megalomaniac raged through town, pounding the ground with his gigantic fists, hurling cars into buildings, and bellowing his evil laugh as he stomped on the crowds of people running for safety.

Johnny Phenomenal and Janet Ultimatum were tucked away in the private lounge at Spherics finishing a Chocolate Ocean. A Chocolate Ocean is a dessert featuring a large bowl of warm, melted chocolate filled with unexpected goodies, such as caramels, raisins, cherries, bits of pretzels, and crushed nuts. A Chocolate Ocean is also slang for a sexual act too lewd to describe in mixed company.

Janet looked flush as she sagged into the back of the couch. Her body trembled. “Well, that was…good,” she sighed. Johnny looked content, but remained silent. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and climbed onto the couch next to her. The distant thuds outside were coming closer. Janet’s face brightened as she suddenly clutched Johnny’s arm.

“Do you dream, Johnny Phenomenal?” she asked in an anxious whisper.

“Of course, I dream,” Johnny said weakly. “Everybody dreams.”

“What do you dream about, Johnny Phenomenal?” Janet said, clinging closer to Johnny’s body.

“I don’t know...I don’t remember my dreams,” Johnny said, turning slightly away.

“Then how do you know you dream, Johnny Phenomenal?” Janet giggled.

“Because...everybody dreams,” said Johnny.

Fack’s thundering rampage reverberated throughout the room. The walls buzzed from vibration and the overhead lights swung in circles from side to side.

Johnny sat forward and asked, “Where’s my flight jacket?”

“I don’t know - on the floor, maybe?” Janet shrugged. “Wanna do a Coloriffic?” she asked, smiling and reaching into her bag. A Coloriffic is a thin mask of clear plastic that adheres to a person’s skin and causes the mind to experience visuals more vibrant and intense than dreaming. These experiences can be very dangerous since Coloriffics are taken while the user is awake, with the thin sheet placed snuggly over the face so that the user can inhale the chemicals directly into the mouth and nostrils in order to rush the effect to the brain. Since a perfect seal is formed around the mouth and nose, suffocation is a possibility, as is permanent brain damage. Coloriffics have also been linked to murders and suicides, but definitive proof of either has never been offered. Although Coloriffics are not addictive they are habit-forming, and, in Cyrus Twelve, anything habitual is considered immoral and, therefore, illegal. Coloriffics are most often used by teenagers like Johnny Phenomenal and Janet Ultimatum rather than adults and young children. Adults are older Cyrusians who are paid to create, manufacture, and distribute the things that they don’t want their children to use. Young children can usually be found watching Swervus on television. Although Swervus is not addictive he is habit-forming, and, in Cyrus Twelve, anything habitual is considered immoral and, therefore, illegal. Swervus is currently the richest entertainer on Cyrus Twelve. (Originally, Swervus was a mediocre television newscaster whose final moment on air culminated with his equating finding an apple pie at the annual bake sale – a rarity at any time, in any place, on Cyrus Twelve - to finding a black man at a hockey game who wasn’t selling beer or peanuts. He was, of course, accused of racism and forced to resign. His defense? “Just because it’s racist doesn’t mean it’s not funny.” A few years later, he changed his appearance and intended audience and became Swervus to the delight of millions of ignorant children.)

Johnny found his jacket and slid his arms into the sleeves. As he fastened the row of buttons on the chest, he turned to Janet and asked, “Have you seen my rubber?” A rubber is a thin, protective hood which Johnny Phenomenal wears on his head during battle. It is black on the outside and sticky on the inside and fits from the forehead to the base of the skull and over the ears. A rubber is also slang for an antiquated form of contraception.

Janet laughed. “Jeez, can’t you think of a better name for your helmet, Johnny Phenomenal?”

Johnny stood silent, staring an icy stare, then said through his teeth, “It’s not a helmet, it’s a hood, Janet.”

Janet ignored him and continued, “No, I haven’t seen your rubber, Johnny Phenomenal!” She giggled again.

The sounds of calamity outside were steady. It was as close as Fack could get to Spherics without walking into it and crushing it.

Janet pulled Johnny’s rubber out from under a cushion and threw it at him. “I guess you’re off to do stupid superhero stuff now, huh, Johnny Phenomenal?” she pouted.

“I’m not a superhero – I’m just a kid,” said Johnny.

Contrary to his statement, Johnny Phenomenal stood proud and heroic, appearing so determined with his chest pushed out and his head held high. He allowed only a momentary show of weakness when he glanced at Janet, but quickly resumed his proud stance and look of determination.

“He’s so determined, that Johnny Phenomenal,” Janet thought.

And Johnny thought again, “No, I’m not. I’m just a kid…”

To be continued...

Next time, Johnny Phenomenal battles bomb-sniffing dogs and falls in love with his greatest enemy in: “Foes For Essence!” or “It Was Tom Foolery Who Stole All Their Jewelry!”

TAOJP: Volume 2

Johnny Phenomenal in...

Enter: Fack(!) the Megalomaniac!

"Happy 3012, Johnny Phenomenal", Janet Ultimatum cried happily as she took Johnny Phenomenal in a warm embrace. An embrace is when two or more bodies hold closely together as an act of familiarity or love. An act is usually a work of fiction put on for the entertainment of others.

"Oh, you, too", said a disappointed Johnny. "I just wish I was here to share New Year's Eve with you and the gang."

"Don't worry, Johnny Phenomenal, there's always next year!" Janet said with excitement. Excitement is an emotion Janet Ultimatum uses to seduce boys. “Besides, most of the gang is dead.”

“What?” Johnny shuddered.

“Oh, I’ll explain it all later,” Janet said, fondling the red plastic button on Johnny's belt. A button is a small knob used to keep things closed or, sometimes, to open them. A belt is a long, thin strap used to keep one's pants from falling down.

Johnny became quiet, his eyes slowly moving upward. The sky, or what was left of it in the year 3012, turned black. From the darkness came a red-orange burst, and from that burst came a loud boom, and from that burst and boom appeared an enormous metallic creature falling rapidly to the ground.

"Fuck!" cried Johnny.

“What? What is it?” Janet asked and pulled closer to Johnny.

"Fack! The Megalomaniac!"

The ground shook, and Fack, coming closer, bellowed a thunderous laugh. A laugh is a sound which emanates from a person's mouth to show amusement, but sometimes not.

"Oh, shit, what am I gonna do?!" Johnny cried.

To be continued...

Next time, Johnny takes on the bad guys in..."Wake Up, Johnny Phenomenal, Here Comes Jack(!) the Insomniac!"

TAOJP: Volume 1

Johnny Phenomenal in...

Crash Landing

Johnny Phenomenal returned to Cyrus Twelve strapped to a silver torpedo. A torpedo is a long, oval-shaped missile filled with explosives and is generally used for the destruction of larger objects. Therefore, Johnny Phenomenal should have died upon impact - but there was no impact. Being Johnny Phenomenal, Johnny phenomenally broke free of the straps holding him down and eased the vessel a few feet above the ground long enough to disembark safely from the phallic craft. The word phallic refers to any one thing resembling a phallus. A phallus is any one thing symbolizing a penis. A penis, of course, is a long (sometimes), oval-shaped (usually) missile which hangs comfortably (preferrably) between a man's legs and is used for the destruction and/or pleasure of larger objects. Like the torpedo, it is also filled with explosives.

Johnny pressed a red plastic button on his belt and watched the torpedo speed away to a distant crash. Janet Ultimatum rushed out of Spherics to greet him. Spherics is a popular hang-out for the teenagers of Cyrus Twelve. Johnny Phenomenal liked what he saw when he saw Janet Ultimatum.

To be continued...

Next time, Johnny answers the big questions in: “Are You There, God? It’s Me…JOHNNY PHENOMENAL!”