Friday, March 20, 2009

Red Lobster

Johnny stepped outside Spherix to deal with Fack but saw a giant creature - a lobster with human arms and legs and devil horns on its head – tackle Fack from behind and thrust one of its sharp claws through Fack’s chest. It used its other claw to pinch Fack’s neck and snap his head off. The head fell to the ground with a great crash and the lobster kicked it and watched it topple and roll away into the distance. Then the lobster turned to Fack’s body and feasted on it, snapping the limbs with its mouth like twigs and pouring the blood from the neck as if it was drinking from a cup. Johnny watched in horror.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled to himself. “That’s fucked up.”

Janet walked up behind him and threw her arms around his body, her hands sliding over his chest and her cheek pressed tightly between his shoulder blades. “My hero,” she said.

“Knock it off,” Johnny said, shrugging her away. “Get back inside where it’s safe. This isn’t over yet.”

Janet walked inside and slammed the glass door behind her. Johnny looked up at the giant lobster and said, “Halt! Who you be?”

The lobster stopped eating and said, “’Who you be?’ What the hell does that mean?”

Johnny frowned. “You know what I mean!” He hoisted a fist in the air. “What’s your name?”

“Seriously? What does it matter?” the lobster asked and went back to finishing up the little of Fack’s body that remained.

“Well,” Johnny said and paused, “I’ll need to know whose family should be notified after I kill you.”

“Wow, that’s pathetic,” the lobster said. “You could really use some lessons in trash-talking. You’re not very good at it, son.”

“Oh, yeah?” Johnny said, shaking his fist.

“Jeez.” The lobster shook his head. “What am I supposed to say now, kid? Am I supposed to say ‘yeah’? Is that what you want me to do?” He threw his arms in the air and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, exactly,” Johnny said. “You say ‘yeah’ and then I scream ‘yeah’ in response as I fly up at you and start kickin’ your fuckin’ ass!”

The lobster finished licking Fack’s bones clean and got up. “Look, kid, I’m not going to play this little game of yours. I just ate a big meal, so I’m really not in the mood right now.” He burped and patted his chest with his fist. “Excuse me,” he said and continued. “Besides, you got it all wrong. You’d have no reason to scream ‘yeah’ after I said ‘yeah’. In fact, after you say ‘Oh, yeah?’, I should be the one screaming ‘yeah’ and then kicking your fucking ass.”

Johnny shook both fists in the air. “Oh, yeah?” he screamed.

Yeah!” the giant lobster roared and kicked Johnny’s fucking ass.

He kicked it across the lawn until the break of dawn.

Next ish: Johnny seeks revenge in…“Sneak Attack Aftermath” or “Dumbass Motherfucking Lobster!

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